


walking on eggshells

by jenhyung



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 23:56:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14883707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhyung/pseuds/jenhyung
Summary: Youngho's always careful. — Youngho / Taeil (Canon!AU)





	walking on eggshells

**Author's Note:**

> 4k+ of i said i wouldnt write canon but here i am, clearly delusional because that nct vlog completely wrecked me ;; wrote this in an hour-ish, please don't read too much into it... not betaed, not good might delete because it's rubbish and i just wanted to post something to be honest ;;

This is not how Youngho’d expected the day to go.

Yes, it was communicated to them over last night’s briefing that they were going to have some filming done today while roaming the city, but, honestly, this is ridiculous.

He eyes the team of seven other people walking ahead of their little group of five (Taeyong and Jaehyun beside him, Taeil and Minhyung behind him), and wishes, just _wishes_ that everyone could just be a little more… inconspicuous.

Of course, Youngho’s glad that they’re able to walk the city streets without a hoard of people sneaking in the bushes behind them or even trampling right over them, but –

 _Everyone_ is staring.

The couples, the families, the store vendors. Everyone in a five-mile radius has their heads turning when their platoon of thirteen people (members, managers, stylists, camera guys, sound guys) walk by with all sorts of filming equipment, and Youngho is… easy to say, embarrassed.

It makes him feel like a lowly 7th grader with an ego complex; as if _everyone’s_ got the time to be looking at them. They’re probably just minding their own business, doing their own thing, eating their own mini-burgers, whatever. But Youngho just can’t help but feel… irritated? Was it?

He’s been in a sour mood ever since they’d gotten into the van, and it’s really irking him not knowing what’s got him on edge. It’s a jam-packed trip with interviews and performances and _Disneyland_ , and Youngho is thankful, he truly is, but he’s also – not up for it right now.

He’s not up for talking to cameras and watching his every word, or making sure he looks alright in all angles and that he isn’t about to make some colossal mistake that would end his career that’s just barely begun. He just wants to lie in bed and wait for their schedules to begin, and it’s just one of those days.

It’s also safe to say that he isn’t up for Taeyong dangerously waving someone’s iPhone attached at the end of a stick, exclaiming excitedly about the dumbest stuff in the loudest voice he can. Airily, Youngho wishes Doyoung were here to calm him down with a few snide remarks (“You’re going to poke someone’s eye out,” he would say), but, alas, he’s off with the rest doing whatever it is they’d decided to do the night before.

Youngho isn’t even aware he’s drifting away from the group (and out of frame), until a small hand is on his back, guiding him back into place. He glances over his shoulder in that short second to see Taeil staring up at him, a shade of concern over his features. His thumb dips into the hem of the back of Youngho’s jeans, and he turns back to divert his attention to Minhyung, yapping away about how good the food looks.

He tries to get Taeil to look at him again, but Taeyong is gathering them all for another group shot, and Taeil’s hand drops from where it was, moving over to keep on Minhyung’s right.

The touch sears hot.

“Are we being embarrassing, Johnny?”

Taeyong’s voice yanks him back to the middle of the street market they’re in, under the afternoon sun and the eyes of their production team.

“No…” Youngho trails off, looking further down the market to see how long of a walk they’ve got left. He sighs when he realizes how big of a place it is, thinking forlornly about his bed back in the hotel.

Maybe it’s jet-lag.

“We’re acting too much like tourists, aren’t we?” Jaehyun chimes in.

It gives him an out, so Youngho fakes a somber sigh, “Yes, you all look too much like tourists.”

Taeyong pouts, again waving the camera in Youngho’s face, “We _are_ tourists!”

“ _I_ don’t feel like a tourist,” Youngho says with a tiny shrug. Taeyong blinks twice at him, and he knows his expression’s a little _off_. Naturally, he pushes out a laugh, “I just mean it feels like I’m back home.”

Taeyong seems to buy it then, whirling to turn the camera towards Jaehyun and himself as they continue about animatedly about what they’re going to eat and drink. The conversation moves on smoothly, easily taking the spotlight away from Youngho’s tiny hiccup.

“Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun,” Taeyong halts the group, eyeing a photo stand of a lobster and salad, of some sort. So, they stand around patiently (all thirteen of them), waiting for the stand to free up.

Youngho sighs inwardly. Maybe he should get something to eat. Food always makes him feel better. He turns to Minhyung and Taeil, both of whom are being filmed on yet another camera, moving to the loud music playing overhead.

Though, he feels a dumb smile creep up as he watches Taeil’s black hair flop around fluffy, no hair product or dye in it on their casual day out today. Youngho feels his gut drop down to the first gate of hell when Taeil bites on his lower lip.

Though, his attention is taken away when Minhyung starts to rap, as a rapper does, and Youngho’s mood fluctuates again.

It’s just a rough day.

Taeyong and Jaehyun take a long time at the photo stand, and Youngho takes the chance to ask the managers if they could get some food now instead of shopping first like they’d planned. He watches from a distance as Taeil takes the photos for Taeyong and Jaehyun, an ear listening out for Minhyung speaking to him, the other trying to sneak whatever his managers are planning.

They split into groups then; Youngho with Taeil and Minhyung in search for burritos and kebabs, Taeyong and Jaehyun for whatever else that’s popular.

“This one’s yours,” one of his managers hand him a poorly constructed selfie stick with another iPhone at the end. Youngho takes it, not forgetting a quiet, _thank you._ “Make sure to have everyone in frame, okay?”

“Okay,” Youngho mumbles, fumbling with the angle of it. He twists the knob, sighing again when it doesn’t budge.

“To the left,” comes a soft voice. And an arm around his waist.

Instinctively, Youngho looks up and around. He doesn’t see any prying cameras around, and none of their platoon seems to notice; everyone else is busy setting up a couple more cameras for Taeyong and Jaehyun, and Minhyung’s off asking if they could get some ice cream too.

A small voice in Youngho’s head tells him to be careful, so he steps away from the touch anyway, turning the knob left. He fixes it in a matter of seconds, holding it up to see Taeil staring at him through the screen.

“What is it?” Taeil asks, before he has to hit record.

Youngho both hates and loves that Taeil reads him like an open book, “Nothing.” He adds, when Taeil’s expression hardens, “Just tired.”

Taeil doesn’t say anything, watching themselves on the screen just as Youngho is. It’s maybe then that Youngho realizes how small Taeil really is beside him. Without the shoe lifts and extra platforms, he’s just a smidgen over Youngho’s shoulder, forehead near perfect for Youngho to press his lips to.

“Does it really remind you of home?” Taeil asks, tangling his fingers into the back of Youngho’s shirt. He lifts the hem up enough to graze the pad of his thumb over the small of Youngho’s back.

Youngho snubs the shiver that curls up his spine.

It does remind him of home, a little bit. The friendliness and the language are just a hint of it, and Youngho’s mind zeroes out when he thinks of how nice it would be to bring Taeil home with him.

To take Taeil on long-awaited and well-deserved dates without the worry of getting caught, without the fears of everything crumbling into pieces with just one article released, without _judgement._

Youngho wonders how it would be like if they could walk the streets _he’s_ familiar with; little hole-in-the-wall, secret restaurants that only the locals know, shortcuts through the city streets to the nicest parks, to small musical productions Youngho knows Taeil would love, and they’d spend the entire show whispering under their breaths, Youngho translating every word for Taeil, and quite possibly get kicked out for being a disturbance.

“Baby?”

Youngho jumps away, scandalized, afraid of being overheard. Taeil shoots him a look, and he recognizes it in an instant, _They’ll only catch you if you react._

Frankly speaking, it’s just because Youngho wants this to last forever. Whatever it is with Taeil, sneaking around and kissing and _loving_. Before it has to come to it’s inevitable end, Youngho wants it to _last_. It doesn’t help that Taeil’s so straightforward with his words and touch, playing the line like it’s jump rope, unafraid of getting his feet all tangled up.

It’s the one thing they argue about – is it too much? Is it not?

“Sorry,” Youngho mumbles out of reflex.

Taeil’s features soften, the corners of his pink lips pulling downwards into a frown. Youngho stares at them longingly, wanting so badly to kiss it away.

“What is it?” Taeil asks again, stepping closer. His eyes dart behind Youngho, but he must deem it safe, for they’re back on Youngho’s face again.

“Nothing,” he answers again. Taeil tries to reach for his hand, and the nerves shoot up Youngho’s veins, so he shrugs Taeil off.

He wishes he didn’t have to. He wishes he could walk down a street market and parade them off to whoever wishes to look. He wishes for many things, Youngho does.

“People are watching.”

Taeil’s brows knit together, “Nobody’s watching. It’s a private schedule.”

“That barely means anything. People are always watching.” Youngho doesn’t want to fight with Taeil, but the words let slip anyway. It’s been a while since they’ve gotten into _this_ argument, about Taeil being too daring and Youngho too wary.

He really doesn’t want to fight over it today.

Taeil morphs from confusion to concern in a flash, and Youngho can’t tell if there’s anger or not, “What’s gotten into you?”

Youngho simply shakes his head, unwilling to get into anything in the middle of the open market, of all places. He presses the record button before Taeil can ask yet another question, focusing on having both of them in frame.

It’s work then. Youngho asks the questions he needs to ask, and Taeil answers as planned. They gather Minhyung and amble off for burritos. Youngho squints trying to film them three in the shot, the sun shining bright in his eyes, and Taeil’s hand is on his back again, lest he whacks someone in the head with his formidable height and makeshift selfie stick.

“There, there, burritos,” Minhyung hums, buzzing ahead. Youngho flips the camera around then, rather filming Minhyung than himself anyway. Their managers follow at a distance, and Youngho does his best to make sure he’s filming right under their watch.

He belatedly realizes that he’s only got Minhyung in frame, what with Taeil trailing behind him, hand still on his back.

“Walk ahead of me,” he says quietly, grateful that they aren’t mic-ed up today. Else everything they’d been mumbling about would’ve gotten picked up (a lesson they all learnt during that one time Doyoung tried to cheat in Changmai).

“Let’s walk together,” Taeil mumbles, pressing his shoulder to Youngho’s.

A furious blush hues Youngho’s cheeks, but he kills it quickly. “I need you on camera.”

Taeil loops a finger into one of Youngho’s belt loops, “Why are you – ”

He inches away from Taeil’s hand, “People are watching.”

It takes a moment, but Taeil complies, shoving his pointy shoulder roughly against Youngho’s, which does nothing but let Youngho know that he’s mad.

 _Great_ , he thinks, filming the back of Taeil’s head. _I’m great._

They get in line together, and Youngho tries to make conversation again, guilt settling low, but their manager’s by their side then, taking the camera from Youngho.

“Order some for the other kids too,” his manager says, telling them to hang tight as he coordinates with the other staff members.

Without any cameras, Youngho finds his skin crawling at the silence between them. Taeil has his arms folded across his chest, lips in a hard line as he looks at the menu board.

Discomfort brews and Youngho clears his throat, trying to clear the air, “What kind of fillings should we get? Shrimp? Chicken?”

Taeil doesn’t budge.

Youngho’s toes curl. He wishes he’d never said anything. He knows how Taeil can get when they go over this, and it’s just not a good day for it. With a deep breath, he tries again, “How many should we get? Two?”

His words fall on deaf ears. Taeil ignores him, attention instead on deciphering the menu on his own.

The girl behind the register is ready to take their order, and Youngho steps forward just to get this over and done with quickly. They converse easily, and Youngho can feel Taeil hovering on his right, trying to make sense of the sentences he still can’t quite grasp. Their manager returns with another camera, but Youngho can’t find it him to bother with it.

With the given option of what seasoning they’d like, Youngho turns to Taeil again, “Garlic butter? Or do you want it spicy?”

The response is nonplussed. Youngho keeps his eyes trained on Taeil’s lips, his brain screaming at him to drag Taeil into an empty alleyway and just kiss him breathless. He wonders what it would be like in a life where he could do just that.

“Spicy?” He prompts, at Taeil’s silence, “Or garlic?”

Taeil moves to rest a hand on his shoulder, looking at Youngho for far too long to just be deciding burrito seasonings. He eyes flit to Youngho’s lips, and there’s a spark of irritation the flares up in Youngho’s gut.

Who put them in such a premise like this? Was it the fates that aligned, bringing them to such high-profile jobs, which Youngho’s eternal grateful for, only to have him fall in _love_? Fall in love knowing that this can’t possibly, can’t _ever_ go anywhere?

Taeil mumbles something under his breath, and Youngho doesn’t catch it, so he orders it with garlic butter. He knows what Taeil likes; the question was superfluous from the start.

Taeil’s hand falls from his shoulder, and he walks away, leaving Youngho with a muddled brain and an aching heart anyway.

It’s always tough on days like this.

 

x

 

When Youngho’s out of the shower, he’s ready to sink right into bed. The hotel they’ve gotten this time around isn’t too shabby, and he knows for a fact that Taeyong had stopped by Lush earlier to get one of those fancy bath bombs he’d so obsessed over trying, but couldn’t thanks to the absence of a bathtub in the dorms.

Whether he was going to use it alone or with his dark-haired roommate was truly none of Youngho’s concern.

He pulls a sleepshirt over his head as he stumbles out of the bathroom, nearly running over his own roommate, Sicheng.

“Where’re you going?” Youngho asks, confused at Sicheng’s readiness to leave the room. He’s heard that some of the other kids (mainly the younger ones and Yuta) wanted to hang about more with the managers tonight, but Sicheng’s more of a homebody like himself. He’d expected their room to have an early night in.

“Manager,” Sicheng answers dully, shoving his shoes on, balancing with his Nintendo in one hand, a half-empty Starbucks drink in the other. He stares Youngho as if he’s about to say something curt; Youngho recognizes the look from whenever he takes a bite of Sicheng’s food without asking, but he seems to decide against it, settling with a, “See you.”

“Oh.” Youngho holds the door open for him, bidding him goodbye as Sicheng trudges down the hallway, “See you.”

Youngho closes the door and heads right for his bed, yanking the blanket off and groaning when he slips under it. His legs are burning from all the walking they’d done, his back is sore from all their extra practice they’ve been doing, and his mind is hurting from all the thinking and lack of sleep he’s been getting.

He doesn’t even bother checking his phone, knowing that their group chat will be blowing up with today’s pictures, and honestly, Youngho just can’t wait for sleep to take him away.

He’s just so _tired_ , and he’s spent the entire day knowing that Taeil’s mad at him for being so stringent, or for being so out of it, or whatever it is. They haven’t spoken much, not even over their following shoot or dinner. Usually, Youngho’d take the reins and have them talk it out, whatever it is, they can work anything out, but he’s just so – _tired_.

Being back in an environment so close to home just makes him want to drop everything and leave. He thinks this whenever they travel close enough to home, and it’s the thing that scares him the most. There’s no reason for him to give up; he’s made it this far now, there’s no turning back, he doesn’t _want_ to go back.

But, by _god_ , what could have been if everything were different – if he’d done it the normal way and gone to college like the rest of his friends? If Taeil’s picked his acceptance offer over the risk of joining the company at such a late age? Would he have met Taeil on some sort of college exchange program instead? Would destiny or whatever it was out there still bring them together? Would they get married? Have dogs? Kids?

Youngho sighs, burying his face into the pillow. Maybe he _should_ send Taeil a message. Sure, they’ve had arguments before, none involving any screaming of the sort, but – he can’t possibly go to bed with his heart like this.

Before he can reach for his phone though, he hears the door being unlocked.

“You’re back already?” Youngho calls out without thinking, propping himself up onto his elbows. “What did he call you in for?”

Of course, it isn’t Sicheng’s voice that Youngho hears next,

“I told him to switch rooms with me.”

Youngho sits up proper, attention rapt when Taeil strides into the bedroom, familiar keycard in his hand. His hair’s still damp from having just showered, shirt too big on him (it’s Youngho’s), sweatpants pulled over his hips.

Taeil stares at him, eyes glinting.

It’s painful, the space between them.

Then, Taeil crosses the room, tossing the keycard gracelessly onto the night stand, ignoring Youngho’s widening eyes to bring their lips together in a messy kiss. Youngho responds fairly well, taking hold of Taeil’s hips and guiding him to sit comfortable on his lap over the thick comforter. Taeil licks him open without hesitance, there’s no hesitance with how long they’ve been together, bringing his hands up to cradle Youngho’s cheeks.

They kiss without words, just basking in each other’s presence, in the taste and touch and heat together, and Youngho’s the one who breaks the kiss, pulling away when he feels like Taeil’s going to drown him again. It’s always like that; like Taeil’s the open waters and Youngho’s a mere leaf, drowning, sinking in Taeil and whatever he gives – everything.

Youngho kisses Taeil again, just as he parts his lips to speak. Taeil accepts it anyway, sighing contentedly.

“I’m sorry,” Youngho mutters against Taeil’s lips, tugging on his lower lip. “Rough day.”

Taeil sighs, a different kind of sigh this time, and he simply kisses Youngho back. He runs a hand through Youngho’s hair, resting his forehead to Youngho’s, keeping his eyes closed, “I love you.”

Youngho’s heart very promptly explodes. “I love you too.”

Taeil looks to hesitate, and Youngho dips his hands under Taeil’s shirt, unaware. Taeil shivers under his touch, asking quietly, “Do you?”

Youngho freezes. This has never been questioned. It has never been questioned. There’s no reason for it to be questioned. Of _course,_ Youngho loves him. Even a child standing a thousand miles away would be able to tell.

His heart shakes madly, “Why are you asking me this?”

Taeil pulls away enough to hide his face in the crook of Youngho’s neck instead, “Just answer me.”

Youngho doesn’t. He pulls Taeil down with minimal effort, laying them on their sides. Taeil hooks his legs around Youngho immediately, planting his face in Youngho’s chest.

“I love you,” Youngho whispers, and thinks _more than you know, more than what’s good for us_.

“Then,” Taeil’s words are muffled by Youngho’s shirt. He tilts upwards, but his eyes on Youngho’s throat insteaed, “Why do you treat us like – glass?”

Youngho blinks, “What?”

Taeil bunches a fist into Youngho’s shirt, “It always feels like you think we’re going to break up over the smallest things. Don’t you – don’t you think we’re much more than that?”

Youngho has nothing to say.

“I just – it’s been a long time since we’ve had any sort of free time,” Taeil mumbles. “I just want to spend it a little more with you, I – you don’t want to hold hands even when the cameras aren’t running… or even when it’s clearly just us. It doesn’t even feel like you want to _stand_ next to me.”

“Do you really think we’d break up over a _picture_ of us holding hands?”

Youngho rolls them over, pushing Taeil on his back, kissing him before he can protest.

Hearing it makes Youngho wish he could do the day over.

They kiss until Youngho’s lips are numb, and it’s time for words. He sucks in a deep breath, and Taeil groans quietly when Youngho rests atop him, cheek over his chest, listening to his heart beat.

“You know it’s just because I don’t want us to get caught.” Youngho laces their fingers together. “It’s over the moment someone catches us; I can’t do that to you, to the other kids, to the brand. I – I want this, _us_ , to last, and a picture can do a thousand things… If it means I’ve to be careful, then I will be, Taeil.”

At the mere breath Taeil takes, Youngho knows the latter is disgruntled.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” Youngho says. “Don’t ever think that. I just – want to do what’s best for everyone. For you, too. It’s too much at risk. I could never do that to you. I love you.”

Yet again, silence.

Youngho fears Taeil might say no. That it’s not enough, that he wants Youngho to do more, and if he can’t, then maybe they should just –

“Okay.”

Youngho lifts his head to stare down at Taeil, “Okay?”

Taeil swallows thickly, “I want the best for everyone too.” He plucks on a tuft of Youngho’s hair, “But I still want you.”

“I – ”

“I’m not asking you to take me on a date or kiss me in front of everyone,” Taeil says, fiddling Youngho’s hair into braids. “I’m just – sometimes I just want you. And it’s – ” he avoids any sort of any contact, “I don’t know, I just get sad when you don’t seem to – want to be with me.”

Youngho clutches onto Taeil tightly, heart wrenching at the implications of his efforts to try and keep everything under wraps, “I’ll always want to be with you, you know that.”

Taeil focuses on the tiny braid.

So, Youngho goes on, “I wish I could take you out, y’know?” He closes his eyes, envisioning it in his mind, “To musicals, to cute cafes, to wherever you want to go. Show you off to everyone. To my friends and my family, and whoever that cared enough to listen to me proclaim it. And I’m – ” Youngho’s voice drops,

“I’m sorry that I can’t.”

Taeil lets go of the braid, sliding a hand under Youngho’s jaw to have him look up, kissing him softly.

“Don’t say that,” Taeil mutters, wrapping his arms around Youngho. “I just mean – sometimes I get down about it, but I’m – happy with you, wherever, just like this.” He bites on his lip, sheepish, “And I just like hearing you – say you love me.”

Youngho isn’t settling, “I’ll take you out on a date when we get back.” Taeil stares at him questioningly. “We’ll go to the river one night, just you and I. Say it’s an exercise regime.”

“Romantic,” Taeil laughs, but he kisses Youngho’s crown, hugging him tightly.

“We’ll have microwaveable ramyeon by the river,” Youngho decides with tenacity. “I’ll take you on a real date.”

Taeil merely hums, burying his nose into Youngho’s hair and inhaling deeply.

“And I’ll remind you every day that I love you,” Youngho promises, feeling the way Taeil breathes against him. “I’ll tell you that I love you, and that I’ll – always want you, because I want to, and because I mean it.”

Taeil closes his eyes, and he answers simply, “I love you too.”

Youngho takes it.

It’s far from being over, whatever it is that’s between them, sneaking around and kissing and loving. 

Youngho’s glad they even _have_ it, and by god if Taeil thinks he’ll ever let go without a fight.

 

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/jenhyungs) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/jenhyung)


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